It’s been a week since my best friend here broke up with me. Or since we broke up. I’m kind of inclined to say she broke up with me, since she unfriended me on Facebook. We had definitely been drifting apart for some time. I think there was some tension under the surface that we didn’t really see.
IT SUCKS. I was definitely in the wrong on some things. She definitely overreacted to some things. The whole thing could have been handled so much better by both of us. Especially by me. You can’t control other people, you can only control your reactions to them. I need to work on controlling my reactions.
There are lots of bad parts in losing a friendship. I value my friendships very highly, especially in this military lifestyle. Friendships that are made with other military spouses are like lifelines – you’re in a new place, isolated from family and childhood friends. I now have friends that live all over the country, and even though we may not speak very often, I still love them and value them because of what they were to me when we lived in the same place. One of the bad parts of losing this friendship is that we have so many mutual friends. So I can’t talk to them about it, because that wouldn’t be fair to them. Also, it makes me feel INCREDIBLY awkward. Then I have lots of anxiety because I feel so awkward. I’m spending a lot of time second guessing whether or not I’m a bad person, bad friend, annoying, etc…all of those things that you deal with when your social anxiety acts up. But the biggest reason that losing this friendship sucks is because she was my person here. The one who I shared my dumb inane details and thoughts with. Things like: Evie can’t fit in 6 month jammies anymore, because she’s too tall now. Or, I made these cookies today, they tasted awesome! Or, gosh, isn’t it weird how in February when it’s 60 degrees you’re out in shorts, but if it’s the end of April and it’s 60 degrees you think it’s freezing and you’re dressed in a sweater?
I want to fix it but I don’t know how. I’m not sure how to make it better, and even if I tried to make it better, how could it ever go back to the way it was? I have zero experience in this. I feel incredibly out of my element. I sure do hate the way this makes me feel…I’m spending all day walking around with a ball of anxiety in my belly. Writing this has made me feel a little bit better, I guess. In some ways blogs are just online journals. That’s kind of cool.